ARE MEN WELCOME? – PAGAN SPACES AND THE MALE UNEASE WITH FEMALE LEADERSHIP
If, like me, you have been navigating the waters of pagan and magical communities for a while you might have noticed that very often, and especially outside of more “traditional” orders with a clear hierarchical structure, women tend to be in the majority.
For a long time, this translated into the usual formula, that can still be observed in most Christian churches, of a male leader surrounded by a large number of female handmaidens that take care of the day-by-day running of things. However, In the last two to three decades (depending on the country you live in) things have begun to change and female leadership has become increasingly common in these groups.
This seems to me a completely natural phenomenon and the result of the gradual empowerment of women: capable sisters have started to understand that they could, in fact, be leaders and the people guiding these communities have started reflecting more closely the gender ratio of the communities themselves.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that many men, even those that present themselves as “allies”, are not taking this change all that well.
NOTICING A TREND
Since when I was just a teenager getting started on this path, I have always been part of mixed groups . Not because of any ideological belief or socio-political stance but simply because I am generally not interested in the topics and practices that are usually explored in women-only spaces.
In practical terms, this means that most of the groups I have led have been comprised of a majority of women and a small minority of men and, during all these years, I have noticed an interesting trend.
Very often, men, especially when they are relatively new to the group will come up to me and ask similar questions.
“Why are there so many women?”
“Is there space for men, as well?”
“I would like to go further on this path but I wonder if men are welcome…”
Now, for a time these reactions have puzzled me because, in retrospect, I understand that I was viewing them through the lens of the female experience. When women express unease in a space that is frequented mostly by men, this usually means that they feel unsafe or discriminated against in some way. So, I tried to understand why these men could feel that way even if I could discern no behaviors (on part of the women that led or frequented those spaces) or structural reasons that could generate those feelings. I spoke with these men and asked them to explain what they meant by those remarks.
It was a powerful lesson.
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WHAT THEY SAY VS WHAT THEY MEAN
It turns out that what lied behind those questions wasn’t really a feeling of being unsafe or unwelcome, but something very different. These men were experiencing the same discomfort that women feel every time they are part of a reality where the leading roles are consistently occupied by men: something we face every single day, despite representing slightly more than half of the general population, in pretty much all those places (be they physical or not) where true power is exerted.
I understood that these men are asking “Is there place for me, here?” not because they have experienced discrimination or made to feel unwelcome but because, maybe for the first time in their lives, they find themselves wanting to be in a space where their gender is not the default.
When they are saying “I wonder if men are welcome here” what they are really asking is “Could I become a valued leader here? Is there space for me at the top?”.
I have come to realize that many men will enter a room, see that it’s mostly women running things, and, instead of coming to the natural conclusion that it’s only natural that an overwhelming majority of female participants should result in same proportions being reflected in the leadership roles of that community, they will immediately jump to the fear of being unable to “climb the ranks” or being considered an equally valuable member just because of their gender.
In short, their gut reaction is to be afraid that they will be treated as women have historically been treated in patriarchal societies.
“THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE: COULD YOU HOLD MY HAND AS I PROCESS THAT I AM NOT ALWAYS AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING, ANYWHERE I GO?”
Sometimes these questions are just a jerk-knee reaction to that first feeling of discomfort that tends to dissolve as people settle into the group and are able to let go of that instinctive reaction enough for them to perceive that they are, in fact, being made to feel welcome and valued, just as much as everybody else.
However, that’s not always the case.
Some men will make it clear that the discomfort they feel is a problem YOU (meaning the woman/women that happen to hold that leadership role) need to solve and that everything around them needs to shift to accommodate their sensibilities.
“Using the generic female plural for a group comprised by a 90% of women is not nice: why can’t we use the generic male plural (AKA the default) instead?”
“Why are there so few men? Shouldn’t you make a deliberate effort to attract more men?”
“Why do women-only circles exist? It’s unfair. You should speak to those women who hold them and explain that if we men need to be allowed in women-centered spaces, so that you can teach us to be better.”
“Why shouldn’t we have men-only circles, as well? Couldn’t you organize them for us?”
These are all things that, at one point or another, I have been told by male participants.
And if, back when I was younger, I had had the patience to smile and carefully choose my words so that I could help them de-construct and question the reasoning behind those demands, now I find that my tolerance for this kind of entitled behavior is running empty.
Dear men who are fine with a situation in which women are the majority as long as a man is at the helm but feel a strange unease as soon as the leadership changes gender, I have something important to say to you: I. Don’t. Care.
Learn to deal with it without making it everyone else’s problem: you will probably learn something very valuable in the process.
The women in those spaces only owe you the same courtesy, respect and fairness they extend to all others: they are not there to mother you or do any kind of emotional, spiritual or self-awareness work in your stead.
Female leaders are not there to ask your forgiveness for their lack of a penis and strive to build the reality that you would prefer for you, while you sit and wait until it’s delivered in your hands.
If you dream of a larger, more vibrant, healthier, and more enterprising Pagan male community, roll up your sleeves and get to work.
And to all those men who have experienced this instinctive reaction, recognized it for what it was and deliberately put it aside, or who have never even considered the question: I hope that the future that lies before us will increasingly bear your face.
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Let’s talk about love spells
Everybody who has ever offered their services as a magician for hire, taught magic, or even given a cursory look at the esoteric section of the local bookstore knows that love spells are at the very top of the list of things people are looking for when they decide to take a walk on the wild side and dip their toes into the occult.
From the day-to-day experience of office romances and the joys and tribulations of Tinder, to the hot dreams about ripped werewolves with angsty pasts and stalkerish ways, or soft-spoken tradwives who have popped out six babies but still naturally look like they are twenty and CAN’T WAIT to hear all about your fishing trip, one thing is clear: everybody wants love and connection.
Even if our ideas about how romantic relationships should look may differ, the desire to find someone who will love and cherish us is a need that is buried deep inside our souls.
And whenever there is a strong desire, magic is sure to follow.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, then, that love spells are probably the single most popular kind of spell. If you don’t believe me, just go talk with someone who manages an occult shop, because no matter what trendy books might say and what people might be willing to admit to in public, the things that sell the most in magic have been the same since time immemorial: love and curses. Usually in this very order.
However, the kind of information one can find on love spells very often ranges from watered-down new agey nonsense, which is as likely to work as I am to become the new Pope, to downright malicious and toxic stuff I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, with very little to be found in between.
Because what many people don’t realize is that there are many different types of love spells, and some of them are outright curses that can have even more devastating consequences on the lives of both the target and the caster than a curse that was directly meant to cause harm would have.
Does this mean that ALL love spells are curses? Of course not. This is why understanding the different types of love spells and how they operate is very important.
I just want to meet someone
Sometimes what people are seeking is more along the lines of injecting new lymph into their social lives and meeting new, interesting people, among which interesting candidates for romantic adventures and sexy interludes may be lurking. They are not necessarily seeking to meet the love of their life and could just be looking forward to having a good time and gaining some positive experience when it comes to various kinds of relationships.
The kind of spell that addresses this need is more similar to what is usually called a “road-opening” spell, which acts by opening up avenues of possibility and bringing the potential for positive change into a stagnant situation. It does not have a direct target, nor does it act upon the caster to enhance their attractiveness. Its aim is to tweak things here and there so that the potential for new, promising social interactions, with a romantic or sexual undertone in this case, can be brought to the table.
This is a very low-risk type of spell, but it can be incredibly effective.
Rise and shine
Who doesn’t want to show their best cards? We would all like to go on a date with the guarantee that the other person will get to see us at our best, and this is exactly what this kind of spell is aimed at.
These spells work by temporarily enhancing our best qualities and allowing them to shine through in a brighter, clearer way. Think of it as akin to wearing the most flattering dress you have in your closet. It is not creating an illusion by making you perceive something that is not there, but it is showing you at your best advantage. Some types of subtle glamour magic can work in this way, or even special blessings received from deities or other powerful beings.
It is a kind of spell that is low-risk and can be useful for short-term work, but it doesn’t “keep” for long unless it’s constantly reinforced, which is something I advise against anyway, as you ultimately want to be known for the entirety of who you are.
Being irresistible
Some people are born with it, but most are not. I’m talking about that magnetic charisma that makes you stare at them across a crowded place, that fills the air with the power of their presence and forces you to take notice, and that makes you think that you just can’t have enough of being around them, even if you can’t really explain why.
Most of the time, powerful charisma is not really about the actual person who exudes it as much as it is about the illusion we see when we observe them. This is also true in the field of seduction.
There are spells whose aim is to weave a cocoon of illusion all around you in order to make you project an extremely attractive and magnetic allure that is not inherently engineered to target specific people, but can be funneled and conveyed, through action and focused attention, more specifically towards someone.
As long as they are handled with at least a modicum of good sense, for example, don’t weave a “you NEED to jump my bones right NOW!” kind of spell and then take a stroll through the violent offenders wing of a prison, these are generally medium-risk-level spells.
Be aware, though, that aside from the opportunity to first sink your hooks in and get noticed, this is not the kind of spellwork that is likely to result in a healthy, balanced relationship and that it is also quite likely to get you undesired attention and encourage over-the-top behavior in targets, whether planned or accidental.
One day, my prince(ss) will come
Have you ever seen that scene in “Practical Magic” where the young protagonist picks flowers and petals while reciting all the qualities her future ideal partner will have? Well, that’s a perfect example of this kind of love spell.
If you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx4v5FcBARE
The goal of this kind of spell is not to attract a specific person, but a person with specific qualities or characteristics. It is, at least in my opinion, a form of light binding in which the caster is shifting around the threads of fate so that a person with those desired qualities will show up in their life and they will be pushed towards one another. It is very hard to define the risk level for this spell, as there is a chasm of variable dimensions between what we WANT and what we NEED, but generally speaking I would place it at medium-risk level, as its results are usually not as destructive as forcing a specific person to be with you no matter what. Just be aware that no matter how you idealized your partner-to-be, the one who is going to show up will be a real person, with everything that goes with it, good and bad, and not a character starring in one of your fantasies.
This is the kind of spell I wove when I was a very young witch and that made me meet my husband, so even if it’s not one I would advise most people to cast, I guess I do have a soft spot for it.
This is bound to go wrong
Here we go. This is, unfortunately, the kind of spell that most people go seeking.
The one that will bind a specific person to you and apply strong pressure so that you will be together, as a romantic couple or at least bound to orbit around each other in that fashion, for as long as the spell is active.
Even when it is performed willingly by both parties, and most marriage rituals are a form of consensual binding with varying levels of intensity, this kind of spell can sometimes be quite destructive. Casting it on an unwilling target is akin to inviting all kinds of toxic, unbalanced, obsessive, and sometimes even violent behavior into the lives of both parties involved.
Because magic can’t fabricate love, it can only create the right conditions for it to sprout, so what these spells are going to do, since you are basically saying “to hell with the right conditions, I want this to happen no matter what!”, is fabricate obsession. And obsession is not love.
I am not going to address the ethics of this (spoiler alert: I think it’s wrong) because lecturing never works when it comes to dissuading someone from attempting a misguided spell on something they are obsessed about, so I am just offering up a point of reflection: mistaking obsession for love is the kind of thing that drives people to abuse, or even kill, their partners.
Needless to say, I consider this to be a high-risk kind of spell, but more than that, I have yet to see a case in which casting it on an unwilling subject ends well. It just never does.
Love me to death
By now you will have guessed that we are going through a climax and so this one is probably going to be the worst of the worst and, sure enough, it is. This kind of spell is an outright curse, and a vicious one at that.
Technically speaking, these are binding spells that have a built-in punishment system for the resisting target. The caster is ensuring that whenever their target tries to oppose the pull of the spell they will suffer from it and that they will keep suffering until they give in.
In ancient Greece this kind of spell was usually called agogé and it enjoyed quite a bit of popularity, especially when it came to forcing young maidens, or boys, from good families to disregard all social rules and personal inclinations and to present themselves at the door of the caster, or of the client who commissioned the spell, in order to have sexual intercourse with them. Many examples of this type of spell are analyzed in my course on ancient defixiones.
Depending on how the spell is constructed, the punishment can manifest in the form of powerful nightmares, physical ailments, or, in the most extreme cases, even death. What I personally find is that people who attempt these spells most of the time do it because they think, either openly or subconsciously, that the suffering that is threatened upon the target is just an inflated metaphor describing the pains of love. Let me assure you, it is not.
This is extremely nasty stuff that carries with it all the risks and implications of a binding spell and tops it all with a nice serving of sadism.
This is how I would personally categorise what we usually refer to as love spells, even if, as you may have surmised, some of them have very little to do with love.
I hope everybody reading this will find the kind of love they need and that they will bring it into the world and the lives of the people around them.
A quick guide to Political Sorcery.
We live in dark times and it seems likely that things will get worse before they get better. Many people feel called to use magic as a fighting tool in political and social matters but the collective spells and the advice that goes around on the internet and on social media is very often dismal.
If you are doing it, you should do it taking the right measures to minimize risks to yourself and others and maximize effect and this is what this essential guide is all about.
Before we begin, remember that this is a guide about MAGICAL ACTION (spells, divination, petitions etc.) and that I am not encouraging you to engage in physical violence in any way, shape or form. After all, it is a widely shared opinion that magic is just woo woo nonsense, isn’t it? So it’s not like it’s going to hurt anyone, I’m glad we have this cleared up. Now, let’s get back to our guide.
- Rule number one: do NOT aim aggressive spells directly at the top dog. They usually have extensive protection (if only through the adoration of the masses) and this kind of spells will only work if they have an enormous amount of power behind them (no, a single practitioner, no matter how skilled, is not going to cut it) and if you have good links to the target, something that is especially hard to get for this kind of people. This is the kind of spell that is very likely to rebound in a bad way.
- Does the previous point mean that you are never to target the top dog with your spells in any way? Well, it depends. Generally speaking, having an effect on them is going to be hard but you can have more luck if, instead of using an aggressive spell, you devise something that is not going to be “recognized” as an attack at all and if you can empower it with the feelings and the intention of a great amount of people (this is one of those cases in which quantity DOES matter).
- Study your target: what pushes their buttons? What are their vanities? The things that make them react without thinking much because they HAVE to? Their preconceived notions? A spell that exploits these existent deep beliefs and entrenched behaviors is not going to be recognized as a threat and is more likely to succeed, you just have to be careful to construct it with the right goal in mind.
For instance, a narcissistic leader that is pathologically convinced that everybody loves them and that they can do no wrong is prone to embrace a suggestion that they need to do a certain thing and that everybody will love them for it: you can use an influence spell to steer them towards the one action you know that the vast majority of people will not forgive or approve of or a rash decision that could lead to their ruin.For instance, let’s imagine that someone that wanted to oppose Napoleon and was aware of his arrogance and impetuousness, wanted him to try to invade Russia in winter because doing so would likely bring to his defeat. This person could have distributed magically-enhanced pamphlets in which they suggested that Boney was too afraid of the tsar’s army to try such a move. When it comes to political magic, propaganda can often be the stem of the arrow, while the spell that steers its direction is the point. - Consider devising a double-faced spell, especially if you want to rely on the power coming from big groups of people and you want your spell to go “viral”, in some way. This means that the spell should have an inner structure that is known just to you or a restricted number of people and a simpler, “public” face that is shared with a wider audience.This public face can be overtly magical in nature (like an essential spell or a sigil that is shared with other like-minded practitioners).
Keep in mind that if you choose to give your spell an openly magical public face, you should evaluate the nature of this face very carefully. Magical practitioners already have a bad reputation and the negative repercussions brought on this community by an openly aggressive spell could easily outweigh any potential advantage.An oftentimes wiser option would be to opt for a public face that can seem entirely mundane. For instance, memes are a great way to spread this kind of hidden intentions.
This approach has many advantages, among which are keeping the real engine of the spell secret from your adversaries (thus, harder to counter-act) and avoiding the focus of the spell getting blurred by “too many cooks in the kitchen” while still benefiting from the horsepower of the masses.
- If you are good at being devious, you can consider infiltrating the places most frequented by the kind of people that support your adversaries and devise the spell in such a way that THEY will be spreading it among themselves.
This is especially good if your goal has to do with influencing them and the structures they are present in. Just by way of an example, for instance, sell or distribute merch that has been enchanted in a specific way at public events or share seemingly friendly (and enchanted) memes in certain digital spaces. - Remember that even the biggest top dogs usually start crumbling from the feet. Look at their entourage. Who is bitter and thinks that they deserve better? Who is having qualms? Who is unstable and prone to act without thinking? Who has other interests in mind? These minions almost always have significantly lower defenses shielding them from magical action and they are thus easier to target with direct spells. Study their place and function within the structure of power and strategize.
- Appealing to “Justice” is a double-edged sword, especially when you are dealing with spirits and deities from different cultures and historical times: a Babylonian deity would likely see nothing wrong with an all-powerful sovereign seeking to annihilate their opposition. Make sure to frame your requests in such a way that the spirits you are appealing to have a dog in the fight (eg. a deity that is known as a patron/patroness of foreigners will often gladly offer their help in magical actions aimed at protecting migrants).
- Do not focus exclusively on aggressive magic. Always keep in mind that you can use sorcery to support alternative candidates (you don’t have to love them, they just need to be better than the alternative) and to protect and empower individuals, organizations and groups of people that can keep up the fight.
- Divination is your friend, especially with spells tackling the kind of stuff where unforeseen consequences can cause massive damage.
Use divinatory techniques to explore different avenues and to receive guidance on the kind of action that is more likely to achieve the desired goal with the best net positive outcome. If you are not skilled at divination, you can ask a trusted person to do this for you. Keep in mind that every action (magical or otherwise) has many potential consequences, so the trick is to be responsible enough to consider them seriously, keeping your ethics at the forefront of your mind as you do so, but avoid getting paralyzed by them.
And, above all, remember that being angry is fine (and sometimes even required), as long as it doesn’t make you stupid, hateful or cruel. There’s already too much of that in this world.