If, like me, you have been navigating the waters of pagan and magical communities for a while you might have noticed that very often, and especially outside of more “traditional” orders with a clear hierarchical structure, women tend to be in the majority.
For a long time, this translated into the usual formula, that can still be observed in most Christian churches, of a male leader surrounded by a large number of female handmaidens that take care of the day-by-day running of things. However, In the last two to three decades (depending on the country you live in) things have begun to change and female leadership has become increasingly common in these groups.
This seems to me a completely natural phenomenon and the result of the gradual empowerment of women: capable sisters have started to understand that they could, in fact, be leaders and the people guiding these communities have started reflecting more closely the gender ratio of the communities themselves.
It is becoming increasingly clear to me that many men, even those that present themselves as “allies”, are not taking this change all that well.
NOTICING A TREND
Since when I was just a teenager getting started on this path, I have always been part of mixed groups . Not because of any ideological belief or socio-political stance but simply because I am generally not interested in the topics and practices that are usually explored in women-only spaces.
In practical terms, this means that most of the groups I have led have been comprised of a majority of women and a small minority of men and, during all these years, I have noticed an interesting trend.
Very often, men, especially when they are relatively new to the group will come up to me and ask similar questions.
“Why are there so many women?”
“Is there space for men, as well?”
“I would like to go further on this path but I wonder if men are welcome…”
Now, for a time these reactions have puzzled me because, in retrospect, I understand that I was viewing them through the lens of the female experience. When women express unease in a space that is frequented mostly by men, this usually means that they feel unsafe or discriminated against in some way. So, I tried to understand why these men could feel that way even if I could discern no behaviors (on part of the women that led or frequented those spaces) or structural reasons that could generate those feelings. I spoke with these men and asked them to explain what they meant by those remarks.
It was a powerful lesson.
| YOU CAN ALSO READ |
WHAT THEY SAY VS WHAT THEY MEAN
It turns out that what lied behind those questions wasn’t really a feeling of being unsafe or unwelcome, but something very different. These men were experiencing the same discomfort that women feel every time they are part of a reality where the leading roles are consistently occupied by men: something we face every single day, despite representing slightly more than half of the general population, in pretty much all those places (be they physical or not) where true power is exerted.
I understood that these men are asking “Is there place for me, here?” not because they have experienced discrimination or made to feel unwelcome but because, maybe for the first time in their lives, they find themselves wanting to be in a space where their gender is not the default.
When they are saying “I wonder if men are welcome here” what they are really asking is “Could I become a valued leader here? Is there space for me at the top?”.
I have come to realize that many men will enter a room, see that it’s mostly women running things, and, instead of coming to the natural conclusion that it’s only natural that an overwhelming majority of female participants should result in same proportions being reflected in the leadership roles of that community, they will immediately jump to the fear of being unable to “climb the ranks” or being considered an equally valuable member just because of their gender.
In short, their gut reaction is to be afraid that they will be treated as women have historically been treated in patriarchal societies.
“THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE: COULD YOU HOLD MY HAND AS I PROCESS THAT I AM NOT ALWAYS AT THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING, ANYWHERE I GO?”
Sometimes these questions are just a jerk-knee reaction to that first feeling of discomfort that tends to dissolve as people settle into the group and are able to let go of that instinctive reaction enough for them to perceive that they are, in fact, being made to feel welcome and valued, just as much as everybody else.
However, that’s not always the case.
Some men will make it clear that the discomfort they feel is a problem YOU (meaning the woman/women that happen to hold that leadership role) need to solve and that everything around them needs to shift to accommodate their sensibilities.
“Using the generic female plural for a group comprised by a 90% of women is not nice: why can’t we use the generic male plural (AKA the default) instead?”
“Why are there so few men? Shouldn’t you make a deliberate effort to attract more men?”
“Why do women-only circles exist? It’s unfair. You should speak to those women who hold them and explain that if we men need to be allowed in women-centered spaces, so that you can teach us to be better.”
“Why shouldn’t we have men-only circles, as well? Couldn’t you organize them for us?”
These are all things that, at one point or another, I have been told by male participants.
And if, back when I was younger, I had had the patience to smile and carefully choose my words so that I could help them de-construct and question the reasoning behind those demands, now I find that my tolerance for this kind of entitled behavior is running empty.
Dear men who are fine with a situation in which women are the majority as long as a man is at the helm but feel a strange unease as soon as the leadership changes gender, I have something important to say to you: I. Don’t. Care.
Learn to deal with it without making it everyone else’s problem: you will probably learn something very valuable in the process.
The women in those spaces only owe you the same courtesy, respect and fairness they extend to all others: they are not there to mother you or do any kind of emotional, spiritual or self-awareness work in your stead.
Female leaders are not there to ask your forgiveness for their lack of a penis and strive to build the reality that you would prefer for you, while you sit and wait until it’s delivered in your hands.
If you dream of a larger, more vibrant, healthier, and more enterprising Pagan male community, roll up your sleeves and get to work.
And to all those men who have experienced this instinctive reaction, recognized it for what it was and deliberately put it aside, or who have never even considered the question: I hope that the future that lies before us will increasingly bear your face.
| YOU CAN ALSO READ |